When you make the decision to buy a new TV, there are certain steps you, the knowledgeable buyer, should follow. I say “you” because “I” am not a knowledgeable buyer. I’m the guy who walks into the store, gets overwhelmed by the various signage, gadgets and “last day only!” promo deals and quickly gravitates to whatever shiny object is closest. Salespeople love this about me. My wife, on the other hand, does not.
“Don’t you want to, you know, take the car on a test drive first?” she’ll say.
“Dashboard shiny,” I reply as I hand the salesman a check.
And that’s my usual philosophy when it comes to making a purchase decision. Now this may be fine for buying something trivial like Drano or Lasik eye surgery but you should really be more serious when it comes to a major decision like buying a TV. After all, this is TV we’re talking about!
So my wife and I decided to get a new TV, a conclusion we reached after finally accepting that “good things come in small packages” doesn’t apply to a TV whose screen is roughly the size of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. We also decided that, because a TV is such a big purchase (read: “expensive”), we needed to learn all about the current TV market — specificially, different brands, models and whether or not we'd need a forklift to bring our new giant TV home. This brings me to Step One of the TV buying process:
1. Make a list outlining the qualities you seek in a new TV.
It’s important that you and your significant other/roommate/split personality agree on your TV-to-be’s capabilities. To ensure maximum TV satisfaction, I recommend writing down your respective criteria. For example, here’s what my wife and I came up with:
HER REQUIREMENTS: Flat panel HDTV in a color that coordinates nicely (no clashing) with the living room rug.
MINE: Can it get Wrestling?
2. Conduct an exhaustive search for information and by “exhaustive” I mean “the length of a commercial break during Lost”
In Step Two, you’ll want to use a popular online search engine to conduct your consumer research. After all, where else can you receive unlimited gobs of information about your topic while simultaneously getting bombarded with ads for genital enhancers?
WARNING: You may be a little intimidated by the large amounts of information you receive. In fact, after a single Google search for HDTV, I was so overwhelmed that I momentarily considered keeping our burger-sized TV and leaving the fancy wide screens, flat panels and plasma whatchamacallits for those people who own cell phones with capabilities comparable to a major movie studio. Don’t give up, though. Your hard work will soon pay off.
3. Make your decision.
Step Three is where it all comes together: the preferences, the research, the fact I’m approaching 800 words and need to wrap this up. Yep, this is the step that really matters! It’s where you take your results from Step One, combine them with the conclusions of your data from Step Two, split the difference, factor in that Train A left New York at 8 AM and Train B left Boston at 9:15 and finally, divide the whole thing by the sum total of times your parents told you not to watch so much TV. Now take some Tylenol.
Between us, it doesn’t really matter which model you select because you’ll soon discover that the beautiful HDplasmaflatscreenwidescreenlowcarbscreen TV you desire costs more than your first car, leaving you no choice but to advance to the Rethinking Step. Here’s where you take into consideration that you’re low on cash, don’t get paid for another two weeks and your wife’s birthday is right around the corner. Clearly, this is the time to be logical, reevaluate whether or not you really need a new TV and then, make the mature, responsible decision.
3.5. Go cheapo.
Who needs the Sony’s and Panasonic’s of the world when you can have a fantastic generic brand that works just as well! Don’t be fooled by the sleek design and oh-so-alluring plasma-ness of the TVs in the main display; it’s merely a marketing ploy to get you to spend more money. Instead, check out some of the generic brands with names like Plasmarific and HDTVtastic. Sure, they may not have the social status of the more expensive gadgets but they work just as well. The picture’s great! The sound is wonderful! And the screen, though lopsided and droopy, is decidedly larger than your old TV, right? So c’mon, convince yourself you made the right decision. I’m certainly trying to.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my new TV just fell over.
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