Urkel. Schneider. The Ropers. The names are legendary. Skippy. Kramer. Kimmie Gibbler. Bonafide trailblazers. Marcy D’Arcy. Lenny & Squiggy. The dorky White oaf from The Jeffersons. Dare we say “immortal”?
So what do these irresistibly wacky sitcom neighbors have in common? Sparkling personalities? Definitely. Butt loads of charisma? Absolutely. A seemingly endless supply of one-liners and camera-mugging moments? Posi-friggin-tively. But despite these classic made-for-TV qualities, there’s something deeper that bonds these characters: they each made their permanent mark in pop culture history by crashing through the proverbial glass ceiling and steamrolling towards breakout superstardom and merchandising riches!
Now everybody knows you don’t reach iconic status overnight. It’s a long, grueling process that could take many episodes — seasons even — to achieve. What’s that? You’ve only got six minutes before E! True Hollywood Story: Baywatch comes on? No prob, it’s your lucky day! We’ve taken the basics to becoming a successful wacky sitcom neighbor and boiled the process down to five easy steps.
1. Pick a name
Perhaps there is nothing more vital to the success of your character than choosing the right name. To get the ball rolling, we suggest utilizing the proven method of having only one name — hell, maybe your own name would work! Then again, if you’re not crazy about your actual name (and let’s face it, who the hell wants to be named Lipschitz?), you can always look elsewhere for inspiration. For example, maybe you want to push the envelope by choosing a name that’ll spark the interest of network censors and right-wing groups alike (i.e. “Boner” aka “Da Bone”). Or maybe just maybe you want to ensure your marketability (read: getting a nod on Best Week Ever) by opting for something with a clever twist. Alliteration, perhaps (i.e. Marcy D’Arcy). Bottom line: pick a name that’s easy for the folks watching at home to remember.
Remember: The right name can land you your own dressing room and first dibs at the Craft services table. Choose wisely.
2. The right threads
This is key. You won’t become a wacky sitcom neighbor without looking the part. A good rule of thumb is that Eccentric equals ratings. Now it’s up to you whether that means uber-nerdy like Skippy and Urkel, flowery Muu Muus like Mrs. Roper and Mimi Bobeck Carey, or slipping on spiked heels and going full-out drag (we’re not exactly sure if this has been done or not, but c’mon, it’s a formula ripe for ratings!). Point is, whatever you wear, it’s got to stand out from the nauseatingly wholesome look sported by the family next door (assuming of course that you’re living next to The Huxtables and not the Roseanne clan). Dare to be different.
Remember: Dockers have never been, nor will they ever be, funny.
3. Make an entrance
Remember Larry from Three’s Company? You bet your Jew fro, you do! That’s because Larry was a wacky sitcom neighbor who knew how to make an entrance. The guy (and his hairy chest) would slide into a room, full of energy, always bursting at the seams to tell Jack about a get-rich-quick or get-laid-quicker scheme. And then, there’s Cosmo “King of all Entrances” Kramer. Learn from His Royal Highness: nobody gets noticed just by walking into a room. You’ve got to make yourself seen and heard! Barging is good. So is breaking and entering. If however, upon entering, you happen to take out some furniture and/or a small child, don’t sweat it. The kid’s parents may get pissed, but trust us, all will be forgotten when the Nielsen’s are tallied.
Remember: Your exit is just as important. As George Costanza once said, “always leave ‘em laughing.”
4. Catch phrase = success
One of the biggest keys to standing out is a memorable catch phrase. From Fonzie (“Aaaaaaaaay!”) to Urkel (“Did I do that?”) to Wilson (“Howdy, neighbor!”) catch phrases are your ticket to icon status. So what’s your catch phrase gonna be? Sometimes the right catch phrase will just come to you, during your daily routine for example, like when you’re cooking breakfast (“Oh no! I burned the toast!”) or when you wake up in a pile of your piss and vomit (“Looks like it happened agaaaaaain!”). Another suggestion is to open the dictionary to five or six different pages and pick the first word you see on each page (“Dinosaur strobe foot zinc lake!”).
Remember: This is where you’ll make some serious bank. We’re talking T-shirts, key chains, mobile ring tones, and more. See a participating Spencer’s store for details.
5. Think long term
If you want to have a successful career as a wacky sitcom neighbor, you’ve got to think long term. Forget about three or four appearances; that’s for hacks. What you need is a hook, something to make you an integral character. Maybe you dispense wise advice to the family next door, a la Wilson. Maybe you’re madly in love with your neighbor (who, as Sitcom Law would have it, can’t stand your guts). Then again, maybe you’re a creepy maintenance guy who has to stick around because you know just the right way to lubricate someone’s crusty, old pipes. Whatever the case, you need to find your ticket to longevity, then polish it and drive it shamelessly into the ground!
Remember: Consider becoming the owner of your sitcom’s fictitious diner. It doesn’t matter if you’re a bad chef — you’ll be cooking up the laughs!
Final words of wisdom: Have fun, stay out of the tabloids, and be sure to throw a few bucks our way when you’re rich and famous. Go get ‘em!
DISCLAIMER! READ THIS NOTICE!
Due to the unpredictable nature of the television industry, it is highly possible that your sitcom, despite being a top-rated hit and blatantly basking in the glory of many glowing reviews and shiny awards, even going so far as to achieve the pinnacle of pop culture status via a parody on Saturday Night Live, or (at the risk of sounding immodest) a feature in CRACKED, it is highly possible (read: pretty damn likely) that your sitcom will be cancelled, possibly without any notice or even a subtle warning sign from the network (i.e. “Hey buddy, we’re gonna need your parking pass back.”), in which case you may suddenly find yourself in somewhat of an undesirable situation. Oh wait. Did we say ‘may’? We meant ‘will.’ And while you’re at it, change that ‘somewhat’ to ‘onehelluva.' This crushing blow will leave you facing a new reality: you’ve been officially “typecast” as in “labeled” as in “branded” as “you poor bastard, the world will never pay to see you in any role other than [name of wacky sitcom neighbor], meaning you’ll spend the next decade and a half getting stopped on the street by drunken frat guys with names like Conner and Tom who will invite you over to “the house” for a “killer party” where there’ll be a whole crowd of drunken frat guys with names like Chip and Austin and Quinn and Xander who will beg you to utter your catchphrase, which you’ll reluctantly do, but only after a minimum of four keg stands. One day however, the bad cloud of typecasting that has loomed over your head will magically disappear and you’ll land another gig on network TV, though sadly it will be as a contestant on a reality show where you’ll be losing weight, gaining weight, getting sober, eating rat testicles, or living in a house with other ex-wacky sitcom neighbors, as well as a hip hop star who’s young enough to be your child. CRACKED cannot be held responsible for this decline of your livelihood, or for that matter, the massive quantities of liquor you'll need to consume in order to cope with the cold, harsh reality of life.
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