Face it; next to the Internet, keg stands, and Porn OnDemand, 1980s movie montages are the greatest invention of the 20th Century. Within their wondrous two to four minute timeframes lie powerful life lessons that, when correctly applied, make us all better people. Think about it, movie montages contain the solutions to everyday problems — and it’s all set to songs that would be considered “guilty pleasures” anywhere in the world, except of course Germany where they’re proud to listen to crap tunes (see: Hasselhoff, David).
Do you doubt the power of the 1980s movie montage? Silly fool, prepare to become a believer!
Your problem: You’re a 98-lb. weakling whose main hobby is getting your ass kicked.
Film to watch: Karate Kid
Why it applies to you: It’s tournament time and the bad boys of Cobra Kai are going to beat the holy hell out of Daniel LaRusso.
Montage tune: “You’re the best” by Joe Esposito
Montage recap: Daniel slices his way through the Cobra Kai in Ginsu-like fashion. The Cobra Kai warriors, all of who have been trained in real karate techniques (unlike the kata crap that Daniel’s been learning), fall like dominoes to LaRusso.
End result of montage: Thanks to his swift moves, and Mr. Miyagi’s knowledge of “healing through man-on-man rubbing,” Daniel stands triumphant as the tournament champion.
Spill your guts: C’mon, fess up. You cry like a little girl when Daniel wins, right? Ha ha! You cry like a little girl! Little, little girl. Cry, cry! (NOTE: So do we.)
Your problem: You’ve got a big test — and you haven’t started to study.
Film to watch: Back to School
How Rodney can help: Thornton Melon don’t get no respect from his college professors, and it’s not just because he’s boinking his English teacher or paying people to do his homework. Thornton’s now being forced to take oral exams (Ha!), meaning ’ol money bags has to hit the books — fast.
Montage tune: Instrumental hoo-ha. We think it’s piano.
Montage recap: In typical montage fashion, hilarity ensues as we see Thornton study while getting a massage, sleeping, and (Our eyes! Oh, our eyes!) while taking a shower.
Does it work? You bet your AARP ass, it does! Not only does Thornton pass his exams, but his dedication to his schoolwork also gives him the ability to enter the school’s dive team competition and get high scores across the board.
Lesson learned: Sleeping with your English teacher = happy ending for all.
Your problem: The big dance is coming up and you’re a total clod on the dance floor.
Real problem: You’re a wuss. Grow a pair and stop worrying about dancing. Put that energy to something useful, such as figuring out how you’re going to get to the dance without your mom driving you.
Films to watch: Take your pick. Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Dirty Dancing, Flashdance, Footloose.
Mega-montage recap: Leotards, leg warmers, lace gloves — oh my! It’s all here. The collective montages in these films will teach you everything you need to know to own the dance floor.
Did it work for them? Did Baby get out of the corner? Did Turbo, Kelly, and Ozone impress the judges? Did Willard toss the cowboy boots and learn to moonwalk? Duh!
Will it work for you? We’ll put it this way: watch these films and YOU’LL be the one in the center of your school’s cafeteria, underneath the Styrofoam moon and paper streamers, with a group of dancers lined up behind you, mimicking your every move.
Bonus: These montages will teach you how to dance with a broom…or a partner who has the personality of one (sorry Mr. Swayze!).
Your problem: You’re a poor-yet-enterprising college student who owes mucho dinero to a bad-ass loan shark named Cactus Jack.
Film to watch: Campus Man
You think YOU have problems? Todd Barrett is about to become another notch on an angry loan shark’s bedpost when he devises a clever, albeit unorthodox, plan to raise cash: create a beefcake calendar!
Montage tune: “Future’s so bright” by Timbuk 3
Montage recap: See Todd. See Todd take photos of hairy, muscular men. See Todd develop photos and publish them in calendar form. See Todd drool. Drool, Todd, drool.
Problem solved: Todd’s calendar is a huge hit, largely due to the centerfold featuring his best buddy Brett. Todd makes a bundle off the calendar, pays off Cactus Jack, and runs off with Brett to live a life of non-judgmental hedonism.
Moral of the story: This spectacular montage will teach you everything you need to know about the beauty of capitalism, the evils of loan sharks, and just the right way to shoot beefcake models so you avoid that pesky “pec glare.”
Your problem: Getting legal custody of your teenage son is riding on you winning an arm wrestling match and you’re hurt!
Film to watch: Over the Top
What you’ll see: Lincoln Hawk is a battered truck driver with one thing on his mind: winning the Arm Wrestling Championships and getting custody of his teenage son. See? You two have so much in common!
Montage tune: “Winner takes it all” by Sammy Hagar
Montage recap: Lincoln and his five o’ clock shadow smash through the competition, proving two things along the way. One, Heart will prevail over Muscle every time. And two, it’s bullshit that this many people would come to watch two guys hold hands.
Alls well that ends well: Lincoln wins the tournament and his son! And thus marks the birth of the famed Hawk & Son Trucking Company.
The “Do-it-yourself” version: When it’s time for you to step up to the arm wrestling table, just turn your cap around. You’ll feel like, you know, like a truck. Then you’ll roll right over your opponent. Remember, the world meets nobody halfway.
Your problem: From time to time, you transform into a werewolf. It wouldn’t be that big of deal, but you’re worried about what chicks will think.
Film to watch: Teen Wolf
Why it’ll help: You’ll meet Scott Howard, an average Joe who, when the mood is right, grows fangs, springs claws, and has body hair like a damn Cosby sweater. Despite this, Scotty’s got two girls fighting for him!
Montage tune: “Way to go” by Mark Vieha
Montage recap: Scott, body sweater and all, is the big man on campus. We watch Scott score on the basketball court, score As in class, and damn straight, score with the hottest girl in school. How’s that for inspiration, wolf boy?
In the end: Scott keeps his wolf in his shorts and scores the winning basket in the state championships, thus earning him the respect and admiration of everyone in town. For once, they like him for him.
We say: Whoop dee doo. The whole "be true to yourself" approach might've worked for Scott, but some of us (read: you) simply won't be able to keep friends if you ditch the fangs. Our advice: keep hiding behind the hair.
You see? All problems solved. And just a shade under five minutes, too!
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