All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and read my magazine. But as soon as I opened it up, there they were: dozens of rectangular shaped subscription cards, falling out with reckless abandon right into my lap.
Ahhh! The horror of magazine subscription cards. They're annoying, excessive and, don't forget, extremely hazardous to your health. Anyone who's ever gotten a paper cut from their razor sharp corners can attest to this, not to mention the unfortunate souls who suffer more serious injuries.
“Nurse, what happened to this man?” The ER doctor asks.
“He was reading a magazine in bed and…”
“Subscription card fell into his eye?”
“I'm afraid so, Doctor.”
“Not another one! Why? Why? Why?!?”
And there you have it - another senseless travesty that could have otherwise been avoided. And despite swarms of injuries, magazine publishers continue to harpoon us with subscription cards. Why, you ask? These publishers are simply trying to increase their revenue, er, readership. Now there's nothing wrong with making a buck, but do innocent readers have to suffer along the way?
I have a magazine sitting on the coffee table. It came three days ago. I haven't yet dared to open it. Instead, I've approached it with caution. I walk by on my way to the fridge and glance over. There it is, sitting quietly on the table, seemingly innocent. And though the front cover teases me with bold headlines in colorful letters (“Get rock hard abs in only 15 seconds a day while you watch TV and clip your toenails!”), I resist the temptation to flip the pages.
I know what will happen if I open the front cover; it's the same old story. I'll give the magazine the benefit of the doubt. I'll think, “Nah, this issue won't be filled with that many subscription cards.” So, like a trusting doofus, I turn to the center of the magazine and, Bam! Flop! Clunk!, they fall out. A lone card will courageously try to cling to the tiny staples between pages, but it's only seconds before it too falls to my lap, joining its friends in a big, heavy pile.
Don't laugh. Did you know that 89.5 Americans died last year by suffocating under a pile of magazine subscription cards? In fact, a recent study by Dave Seville Memorial Hospital confirms that card suffocation is actually the number two fear among people in this country. Number one is being forced to watch the upcoming Police Academy sequel.
So how can we break free from the wrath of subscription cards? The way I see it, our best bet is a plan I call Operation: Revenge. The goal of this mission, if you choose to accept it, is to give the magazine publishers a taste of their own cardboard medicine. Take every subscription card you can find and send them back where they came from. But here's the real kicker, take a couple of minutes and scribble down a few fun names on the cards. I'd love to see Mr. Magazine's face when he fills a subscription order for Mork from Ork or Clark K. from Metropolis. And hey, postage is pre-paid so all you need to do is drop them in a mailbox and then giggle like a schoolgirl. On second thought, I wonder if mail fraud mixed with impersonation of a screen character would leave a permanent smudge on my record, somehow hurting my chances of becoming Prom King. Back to the drawing board.
Maybe a simple revolution would do the trick. By boycotting the magazines, we'll send a message to those pesky publishers once and for all! Then again, without our glossy magazines, we're left only with books (not as affordable), newspapers (the ink gets all over your fingers) and worst of all, nothing to read at the doctor's office. Hmmm…another dead end.
Sadly, it seems that we really are helpless against these elements of annoyance. But if that's what we have to deal with in order to read the latest about Brad and Jen, so be it. After all, without other options, the only thing to do is adapt. So fine, I'll go to my coffee table, open the magazine and risk subscription card suffocation.
But there's no way I'm watching the next Police Academy.
© 2005 robbloom.com.
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