RESIGNING FROM YOUR FIRST JOB
Dear [Mr. or Mrs. Boss’ actual last name OR vulgar nickname
you’ve always used behind their back but can now actually say
to their face]:
It is with [adjective] [noun] that I submit to you this
letter of resignation. Believe me, this was not an easy decision for
me to make, inasmuch as I’ve learned so many things during my
time here, such as how to [meaningless task that required 0.05% of
your brain to complete] and [task that, by comparison, makes
the previous task seem difficult]. I am especially grateful for
your [unkind adjective] work ethic, particularly the [adverb.
We suggest bastardly] way you would dump all your unfinished work
into my lap, a frequent occurrence on [inconvenient day(s)] at
[even more inconvenient time].
Please do not misinterpret my words as being [adjective], [antonym
for “hot”]-hearted bitterness. On the contrary, I am
appreciative for the opportunities you gave me to proofread (which just
between you and me really meant “rewrite”) your reports.
In doing this task, I learned a tremendous amount of information about
[company name], including, but not limited to, the [illegal
activities of company President], the [illegal activities of
company President involving an intern], and most interestingly,
the [illegal activities of company President involving company president,
an intern, and a circus clown named Bobo]. Rest assured, I will
be sure to report these findings to [law enforcement authority of
your choice].
In closing, I humbly invite you to take this job and [verb] it
directly up your [unkind adjective] [body part].
Sincerely,
[your name]
BREAKING UP WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND
Dear [pet name. If you do not have a pet name for your girlfriend,
a la Schmoopy or Pumpkin, feel free to use an actual pet’s name,
such as Rover or Ms. Whiskers]:
Wow, where do I begin? I mean, we’ve been through so much together.
Like [date and place of first kiss] and [date and place of
the first time she slapped you for looking at another woman]. Yeah,
we’ve had some really great times. But c’mon, [pet name],
let’s not kid ourselves here. We both know that things haven’t
been the same since [the most recent incident where she slapped you
for looking at another woman].
I’m not looking to point fingers here and I certainly don’t
want to blame anybody. After all, in our hearts, we both know that it’s
[choose: mine, your] fault. So I guess what I’m saying
here is, well, I think it’s time to break up. I know, I know.
And I’m [adjective] sorry. To be honest, this is hurting
me as much as it’s hurting you. That’s why I want to do
this like [names of mutual friends who were dating but had an amicable
break-up] and get through this as easily as possible. Speaking of
[the female friend involved in the aforementioned breakup], damn, this
is [adjective], but what the heck, I was wondering if I could get her
number from you.
I hope we can still be [nature of relationship you’d like to
maintain. Yes, bed buddies IS an option].
Yours,
[your name]
BREAKING UP WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND
Dear [boyfriend’s name]:
Like, I cannot believe you would try to break up with me with a [adjective]
letter! Like, who does that?!? Really, what kind of a [body part
found exclusively in men]-head breaks up with a person by stuffing
a letter into that person’s [object in a school]? How [adjective]
is that?
Okay, so like, here’s the [noun]. YOU didn’t break
up with ME! I’M breaking up with YOU! Yeah, Mister Man, how do
you like them [fruit, plural]?
AAAAARGH! You are like, so, immature, and believe me, we are soooooooo,
[synonym for “like”] through!
Later loser,
[your name]
OOPS! I’VE GOTTEN SOMEBODY PREGNANT
Dear [name of person who’s going to be royally pissed at you]:
You’re not going to believe this [adjective] mess I’ve
gotten myself into. [Expletive], this is bad. I mean, real [expletive]
bad! Even worse than the time I [brief synopsis of time you woke
up in a strange country, chained to a rickety wooden bed, realizing
that all your body hair had been shaved and you had a tattoo on your
chest that read FELIPE].
Okay, bottom line: I’ve gotten somebody pregnant. [expletive]!
I [expletive]-ing hate myself! Really, I [expletive]-ing
mean that. You have no idea how much I’m hating myself right now.
I’m such a [adjective], [adjective], [adjective],
[adjective] [expletive]!!!!
Look, [name of person who, by now, will be fuming. There may actually
be smoke coming out of their ears], I [expletive]-ed up…that’s
all there is to it. Well, actually, there’s a little more to it
than that. Aaaaaah! [Expletive], this is hard to write. Okay,
so it’s like this. The girl I got pregnant is someone you kinda
know. [Expletive] [expletive] [expletive] I’m
such an [expletive ending in “ing”] idiot! Idiot!
Idiot! Idiot! [Expletive], here goes. The girl, well, she’s
kinda like a [relative] to you. Actually, it IS your [relative].
Wow, I feel so much better now! Glad I got that off my chest.
Love,
[your name]
DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL
Dear Mom and Dad:
Long time, no [verb]. I realize it’s been [period of
time] since my last letter and I’m sorry. That’s my
bad. But I’m sure you both remember how crazy freshman year gets.
It’s always one [noun] after the [noun] here. But
anyway, I wanted to say “hi.” Plus I’ve got some great
news: I’m not writing to [synonym for “beg”]
for money! Ha ha!
All in all, [noun] is [adjective]. I’ve met some
cool kids in the [location] and the kids in my [different
location] are really cool, too. Like this guy, [name of friend
who, without a shadow of a doubt, falls under the category of Bad Influence].
[Same friend] is a super cool guy and he plays [musical instrument]
and sings for [band name]. He’s really [adjective],
too. He’s [age that’s a good 4 or 5 years older than
the average freshman] and he knows all the tricks to getting around
[location].
Anyway, [name of friend] introduced me to the guys in his band
and we’ve all been getting together to [legal activity] and [another
activity that, despite being perfectly legal, your parents will never
believe that it actually is]. It’s been really fun, especially
when I go to their shows and watch them play. [Name of friend, who
by now, your parents are hating with a furious passion] has even
invited me to come with [band name] when they go on the road
next week. Nothing big; just a few gigs. So anyway, I’m going
to drop out of school for a little bit and check it out. It’ll be [adjective] cool. Besides, college will always be here.
An opportunity like this doesn’t last [period of time].
Don’t worry.
With love,
[your name]
P.S. Actually, if you COULD send a little money, that’d be [adjective]
cool.
CALLING OFF YOUR WEDDING
Dear [future wife/husband]:
I’m not going to beat around the [shrubbery of your choice].
I realize that our wedding is [date in near future], but recent
information has to come to my attention and I felt it necessary to write,
inasmuch as the information pertains to the fact you’ve been [favorite
slang term for “having sex”] with [name of the individual
involved who has an awkward-albeit-comical relationship to you].
The wedding’s off.
[your name]
P.S. Rot in [someplace warm]
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