EVERYDAY REASONS WHY YOU WOULD NEED TO HIRE THE A-TEAM
You’re locked out of your house.
You’ve run out of sugar.
Your car battery’s dead and need a jump.
Somebody’s gotta make the beer run.
To hook up your new stereo.
The bathtub needs a good scrubbing.
To open up a jar of pickles.
You need a designated driver.
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REJECTED WRESTLING VILLAINS AND THEIR GIMMICKS
The Great Zamboni
This mystical mauler predicts the fate of his opponents by gazing into a crystal ball…then smashes it over his opponent’s head. There’s Excedrin in your future.
Principal Ned Caruthers
Fired from an elementary school for banning Tater Tots from the lunch menu, this ex-principal will go to drastic means to make someone suffer.
Morty, the Killer Accountant
This lanky grappler has a briefcase filled with tax returns and he’s not afraid to use them. Oh, better watch out for his crushing W-4 leg lock!
Dr. Ivan Zhukov
The notorious Russian scientist — Mad Scientist, that is! Rather than hitting the weights, this bruiser brawler “works out” his demented mind in his secret laboratory where, rumor has it, he’s devising a plan to win the championship.
Reverend Jesse James Jackson
Equal parts Reverend and Cowboy, this Outlaw reads from the good book of butt kickin’. Best be sure to stay on his good side or he’ll hit you with a Stone Cold Sermon you’ll never forget!
A Man Named Sue
Standing 6’8” and weighing 357 lbs., this cross-dressing warrior is just begging for someone to laugh at him. Her.
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NEW RESTAURANT MENU SELECTIONS (IN KEEPING WITH THE THEME OF RED LOBSTER’S “ENDLESS SHRIMP” AND THE OLIVE GARDEN’S “NEVER-ENDING PASTA BOWL”)
The Melting Pot: The Everlasting Fountain of Fondue
Chili’s: Bottomless pit of Baby Back (baby back, baby back) Ribs
IHOP: Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity till you Pukey
Outback Steakhouse: Ribs, Chicken, Steak, Shrimp, Tilapia, And Filet on the Barbie
Taco Bell: The 5th meal
Cracker Barrel: Country Fried Coronary
McDonald’s: The McGorge Deal
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THINGS WILLIS WAS TALKIN’ ‘BOUT
Charlene DePrue
Fruit flies
Mrs. Garrett's special brownies
Duvet covers
Pumice
Nancy Reagan's legs
Two dollar hookers
Breathalyzers
Waking up in a pile of your own piss and vomit
Getting typecasted
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INSURANCE CLAIMS OF “LADIES OF THE NIGHT” IN NETHERLANDS, WHERE PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL
Carpal tunnel
Lock jaw
Lower back surgery
Rug burn
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COMMON MISUSES OF THE WORD LITERALLY
Joe was literally sweating bullets.
It was literally raining cats and dogs.
Mikey was literally stuck between a rock and a decaying, worm-infested corpse.
Tom was literally whistling Dixie out of his asshole. Dixie, however, was not the least bit impressed and literally puked her guts out.
While trying on a new pair of jeans, Amy remarked, “These Levi’s are literally tighter than a crab’s ass…and that’s water tight. Literally.”
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WHAT TO NAME YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IF YOU WANT HER TO PURSUE A CAREER IN THE GLAMOROUS WORLD OF EXOTIC DANCING
Tiffani
Brittani
Misti
CaReeDee
Chesty “Boom Boom” LaRue
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