You know one of the best things about being laid off? Ample time to floss your teeth. You think I’m joking but flossing is one of those really important jobs you always mean to do but can never make time for, like scrubbing the mold on the shower wall or voting for the next American Idol. But now, thanks to recent events, I’ve got plenty of time to floss.
A week ago I was laid off from my job as an advertising copywriter. I say “laid off” because it sounds much nicer than what actually happened which was my boss telling me: “a security guard will see you to your car.” Luckily, there's some good news. Like the fact that I no longer have to write screaming ads (“Buy tickets now!,” “Great seats still available!,” “If I’m forced to use one more exclamation point, I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a pencil!”). Anyway, I'm really OK with it. After all, I was on borrowed time since the day I took the job.
It’s a little known fact (probably because I’m making it up) that the advertising industry is the most unstable work field in the entire galaxy, just narrowly edging out Hollywood marriages. While this could be attributed to a number of factors including difficult clients, economic problems, and global warming, individuals in the advertising industry know full well that any given job they hold will last an average of two, maybe three, weeks, which means that during their lifetimes they can expect to hold a total of 1,303 different jobs — each. This instability has become so common that, nowadays, advertising executives actually conduct lay offs during the job interview process itself.
EXECUTIVE: We’re going to have to let you go, Tom.
CANDIDATE: But--
EXECUTIVE: Don’t make this harder than it is.
CANDIDATE: But I don’t even work here.
EXECUTIVE: You got that right.
Fortunately, as a three-peat veteran of layoffs, I’m well equipped to handle this situation. At the same time, I realize that some are less fortunate than I and might need a little coaching in the matter. So as a public service to these individuals, and also to justify to the unemployment office that I accomplished something productive today, here’s a sneak preview from the soon-to-be-released book, Rob Bloom’s Guide to Being Laid Off.
CHAPTER ONE
Upon being laid off (see SACKED, Appendix B), it’s typical for one to experience many different emotions, all of which, despite being extremely complex, can be verbalized quite easily using a number of different synonyms for “monkey poop.” But remember, no matter how badly you want to make fun of your boss’ toupee, you must refrain from causing an embarrassing scene. Instead, calmly walk to the center of the room, lie on your stomach, and proceed to furiously bang your fists on the ground as you shout: “No! I’m not going! Can’t make me!”
CHAPTER TWO
Now that security has physically removed you from the premises, it’s time to begin the Layoff Grieving Process (see BOOZE, Appendix D).
1. Realization
Once you realize what’s happened (read: no money coming in) and the impact that’ll have on your life (read: “Whaddya mean we have to cancel HBO?!?”), it’s very important to remain calm. Unfortunately, being human, you’ll choose to react a different way altogether, namely bawling like a baby.
2. Acceptance
After spending the last six hours eating leftover meatloaf and watching an infomercial on how you can get free money from the government, you finally accept the truth, which is “this sucks.”
3. Action
You can’t change what’s been done (you had to say something about the toupee, didn’t you?) so you’ve got to look to the future or, in this case, the next sentence.
CHAPTER THREE
This is the time to get serious and make a detailed plan of how you intend to spend your days. After all, now that you’re home, there’s plenty of TV to catch up on. Make a comprehensive list of the programs you intend to watch and ensure there are no conflicts. After you’ve caught up on “Saved by the Bell” reruns, and assuming there’s not a Croatian soccer match on ESPN 5, then you can start thinking about finding a new job.
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Incidentally, Rob Bloom’s Guide to Being Laid Off is now on its way to bookstores nationwide or completely made up for the purposes of this column, depending on how you look at it. Until then, there are still plenty of useful things you can do during this time, like reaching out to your contacts or writing a paragraph that defines what you’re looking for in a job.
Then again, you could just as easily put that stuff aside. After all, considering what you’ve just been through, right now you need to take care of you. Besides, those teeth of yours could sure use a good flossing.
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