So there I was, walking through the mall last night, when I witnessed something unbelievable. The scene was right out of a movie.
FADE IN.
INT. MALL CONCOURSE
A long line has formed in front of a cardboard North Pole set. Front and center amidst the cotton snow is SANTA CLAUS, 60ish, jolly, and perched in a Styrofoam sleigh. A LITTLE BOY, 6, sits on Santa’s lap.
SANTA: Say the name just one more time for Santa.
LITTLE BOY: For the millionth time, Wii! Gah-awd!
Santa laughs nervously.
SANTA: Okay, we’ll see what Santa can do. Next!
The boy groans and slides off Santa’s lap, intentionally kicking the jolly man’s shin on his way down. Next in line is DAD 1, early 40s, tired, and his SON, 10, glued to his GameBoy.
DAD 1: Let’s go meet Santa, son.
SON: Meet him yourself.
Behind them is DAD 2, 40s, crazy-eyed and, from the maniacal look on his face, about a millisecond from snapping. Beside him is SON 2, disinterested.
SANTA: Next!
DAD 1: C’mon, Billy. Santa’s waiting.
DAD 2 taps DAD 1 on the shoulder.
DAD 2: Where do you think you’re goin’, buddy?
Dad 1 turns and sees the red-faced Dad 2.
DAD 2: My kid’s next!
DAD 1: I think you’re mistaken. We were here--
Dad 2 shoves Dad 1, bumping him into his son who drops his GameBoy.
SON: Dad! You just killed my guy!
Dad 1 balances himself and, after smoothing his Cosby sweater, regains his cool. For two seconds. Then he shoves Dad 2. Naturally, Dad 2 shoves back. Soon a full-blown shoving match breaks out. Meanwhile, Santa shifts uncomfortably in his seat while you, the faithful reader, wonders when this “script shtick” (which started out as a cute idea but has gone on just a little too long) will end.
FADE OUT.
People, people, people! Come on! It’s holiday time! The season for giving, good will, and those Salvation Army bellringers who accost you every time you walk into the grocery store, jingling their bells and shoving their collection baskets in your face, making you feel guilty for walking by without throwing in a dollar, even though you gave money JUST YESTERDAY when you were at the store to return the two liter, the one that you thought was Diet Coke but, once you got home and were able to inspect the label more closely, realized was actually one of those special seasonal concoction soft drinks, the kind that are made up of six different flavors and named “Diet Holiday Spice Eggnog Delite Cola Jazz.”
Going back to the Santa scene. Now you would think, considering the season and all, that should a conflict arise, people could resolve it without shoving, right? After all, this is the perfect opportunity to be the bigger person and:
Now by “revenge,” I’m not talking about a simple shoving match that’s barely YouTube worthy. On the contrary, what we need during this festively stressful time of year are creative (and seasonal-themed!) ways to torment one another. So, as a public service to those who will be tackling our country’s finest malls in the coming days, I’m happy to present Seasons Beatings: A Guide To Surviving Holiday Shopping! —
Location: Parking Lot
Scenario: After circling the lot for 20 minutes, you finally find an open parking space. You’re about to pull in when, out of nowhere, some jerk appears and steals the spot.
Solution: Take a handful of candy canes from your glove compartment and, using your trusty slingshot, fire them mercilessly at the spot-stealing jerk.
Note: Candy canes and slingshot sold separately.
Location: Food Court
Scenario: After a long morning of shopping, you make a much-needed detour to the mall food court. You’re mere feet away from the employee passing out samples of General Tso’s chicken when somebody brushes past you and takes the last sample.
Solution: Walk up to the sample stealer and say, “Pretty good, huh? Who knew roach brains could be so delicious?”
Location: Store checkout line
Scenario: It’s been a long day of shopping and all you want to do is go home and inhale a bottle of Aspirin. Unfortunately, the checkout line isn’t moving—thanks to the teenage clerk who’s busy texting on his cell phone.
Solution: Where there’s a checkout line there’s a store and where there’s a store there’s holiday muzak. And where there’s holiday muzak there’s a clerk that’s been listening to said muzak for eight hours a day, five days a week, for the past three months. In other words, the clerk's on the verge of insanity and it won’t take much to send them over the edge. Simply start singing (loudly) along to whatever song is currently playing. Then, watch with glee as the clerk, determined to get your singing self out of the store as quickly as possible, frantically starts moving people through the line.
You’ll be amazed at the response you get from these tactics. Then again, you can always create a stir just by picking up some Mentos and a two liter of Diet Coke. Assuming you can get past the bellringers, of course.
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