Something AMAZING has happened. And really rare too, like a solar eclipse, a meteor shower, or when the mechanic fixes the rattling in your car without finding five other things that need fixing. On Thanksgiving Eve at approximately 8:52 PM, aviation history was made when a U.S. aircraft, traveling from Washington D.C. to Atlanta, stunned the nation by disproving the laws of physics, nature, and commercial air travel by actually taking off at the time printed on the ticket!
(NOTE: If that revelation was so utterly shocking that, upon reading it, you not only fell off your chair but also did a spit take and sent beverage particles flying clear across the room, I apologize. I really should’ve started off by advising you to put down the Koozie.)
I’d like to tell you more about this now legendary flight, including important details like the make and model of the aircraft, the estimated cruising altitude, how many baggies of mini pretzels were consumed by passengers, that type of thing. Sadly however, I cannot provide this information because, despite having a ticket for the flight, I was not on the plane. That’s because this historic voyage was a connecting flight, otherwise known as God’s way of ensuring that air travel remains as painless as a root canal.
See, my wife and I were flying to Atlanta to visit my parents for the “Why Don’t You Visit Us More? Thanksgiving Summit,” a nationwide event the airline industry marked by:
So we followed these rules and arrived at the airport Poor and Early, giving us plenty of time to navigate through the mile-long security line. Had there been one. Turned out we got through security in less than five minutes, and that included my randomly selected-intimate encounter with Mr. Security “take off your shoes, stretch your arms, spread your legs” Guy. Now fortunately for us, the airport offered several amusing activities to pass the time, such as shopping and eating. And fortunately for the economy, the airport merchants decided to participate in the special holiday Pricing Plan I’ve already described, meaning dinner for two at Sal’s House of Pizza & Sushi cost roughly the same as a starter mortgage.
We eventually made it to the gate and saw the mystical crowds we had been warned about. Seriously, the place was packed with people all vying for the Academy Award in the Most Disgruntled Traveler category (that’s what Poor and Early can do to a person). Anyway, the next several hours passed by like you’d expect, if you were expecting slow and boring, and then it was time to board. Only we weren’t boarding. Fifteen minutes passed and still nothing. I did some quick math and calculated that with the 25-minute layover between flights, we could still make our connection if we boarded immediately—and the pilot didn’t do anything to waste time, like letting the other passengers board or checking with the air traffic controller for clearance. I voiced this concern to the friendly, and by “friendly” I mean “if you ask me a question, I swear to God I will gouge out your eyes with a grappling hook,” airline representative behind the ticket counter.
“Weather’s bad,” she said.
I looked out the window. Two raindrops drizzled down at a velocity that wouldn’t move an ant.
“Where?”
“I don’t have time for this,” she snapped.
Thirty minutes later, the plane took off in weather that was, to use complex aviation terminology, “fine.” I, on the other hand, was experiencing a severe case of connection flight anxiety. But fast forward through two panic attacks and an amazing stroke of fate and we somehow landed with 15 minutes until our connection. We were going to make it! The plane pulled up to the gate and we jumped out of our seats, instantly becoming the people who on any other occasion I would want to beat with a Sudoku book, and that’s when the stewardess announced: “Well, this is strange. There’s nobody to open the door. As soon as somebody comes, we’ll be able to let you off.”
(NOTE: Go ahead; do a spit take. I’ll wait.)
Finally the door was opened and we ran through the terminal, making it to the gate exactly one minute after the scheduled departure. We watched out the window as our connection, soaked in Washington rain and illuminated by blasts of lightning, sped down the runway.
Luckily my wife intervened or the next day’s headlines would’ve read: “Disgruntled Traveler Bludgeons Airline Personnel With Sudoku Book.”
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