“Thank you for calling American Express. This call may be monitored for quality assurance. My name is Lewis. Can you give me your card number, please?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I said, ‘no.’”
“No what?”
“No Lewis, I’m not giving you my card number.”
“Um, sir…I need your card number to be able to access your account and assist you today.”
“I understand that, Lewis.”
“But without your card num--”
“I already gave my account number, Lewis. Four different times, in fact.”
“Sir, I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”
“It’s like this, Lewis. I called the customer service number, which by the way, was very difficult to find on my statement. I mean, everything else is there: my balance, list of charges, a reminder that the amount of money I owe in finance charges is worth more than my car; I mean, it’s all right there. Yet it’s damn near impossible to find the customer service phone number--”
“Sir, perhaps you’d like to speak to my man--”
“No Lewis, you’ll do. And by the way, I waited for nine minutes and forty three seconds for you to answer my call, while being forced to listen to the Captain and goddamn Tennille. Let’s cool it with the interruptions, 'kay Lewis?”
“Y-yes, sir.”
“Now as I was saying, I’m not going to give you my account number because I already entered it. Four different times. That’s fifteen numbers, four different times; you do the math. Lewis, do you have any idea how much ‘Love Will Keep Us Together’ sucks? Lewis? You can talk now, Lewis.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Do you have any idea how much that song sucks?”
“Yes, sir. I do.”
“Uh huh. And yet, you make your customers listen to it. Unbelievable. So Lewis, can you tell me why you make your customers enter their account number four different times?”
“I’m not sure, sir.”
“I’m afraid that’s not good enough, Lewis. You see, I’m pretty pissed off. Now don’t get me wrong — I’m not an impatient person. On the contrary, Lewis. I can sit in rush hour traffic for an hour and not even flinch; I can wait all day for the cable guy to show up, no problem. You see, it actually takes something pretty darn annoying to get me riled up. Lemme give you an example. Hmmmm…what’s a good one? Wait wait, I’ve got it! How about when I call your company! Yeah, when I call your company and I’m told to enter my credit card number. And I do. Two minutes later, I’m told to do it again. Then again. And again! You see where I’m going here, Lewis? It’s a bit repetitive. But funny enough, that isn’t the part that gets to me. No no, the thing that really grinds my gears is when a living, breathing person finally gets on the line and – BAM! – what’s the very first thing they say? Well? Lewis, wake up! What’s the first thing you say?”
“Uh, I guess it’s: Can you give me your card number, please?”
“That’s right, Lewis! Great work! So now that we’re on the same page, I’ll ask you again: why do you ask me for my credit card number? I mean, what was the purpose of me entering the number all those other times? Who received that information and why can’t they pass it on to you? Can you tell me that, Lewis?”
“I’m glad to hear that. So I’ll ask you again, Lewis…why do you ask me for my credit card number? I mean, what was the purpose of me entering the number all those other times? Who received that information and why can’t they pass it on to you? Can you tell me that, Lewis?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I can’t. This is actually my first day on the job and I’m still getting the hang of things.”
“Did you go through training, Lewis?
“I did.”
“And in training, did they tell you to answer calls like that, Lewis? Did they tell you to ask the caller for their credit card number?”
“They did. They gave us a script, sir. I’m just reading from the script.”
“Uh huh, I see. Well Lewis, you seem like a good kid. I’m going to let you off the hook this time. I just hope I’ve made myself clear on this.”
“Yes sir, you have.”
“You’re not just telling me what I want to hear, are you Lewis?”
“No sir, I wouldn’t do that.”
“Good. Well then, have a good day, Lewis.”
“Sir?”
“Yes, Lewis?”
“Was there anything else I can help you with today?”
“No, Lewis. That will be all.”
“Thank you for calling, sir. Have a good day.”
“You too, Lewis.”
© 2005 robbloom.com.
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