I’m not the type to make wild, exaggerated generalizations, but I will say this: the world is filled with hordes of crazed, certifiable maniacs who have no business being loose on the sidewalks let alone behind the wheel of a car.
The first thing you need to understand about these maniac drivers is that they are, by definition, “completely nuts," stemming from the root Roadous Rageous, which, of course, comes from the root phrase I’m Going to Ram My Car Up Your Coccyx.
Now most experts who look like John Walsh and host TV shows about wanted persons will advise you to keep a safe distance from these maniacs — typically something in the neighborhood of two large ocean bodies. Unfortunately, this advice is not really practical, and for reasons other than it’s not good to swim 15 minutes after eating.
The fact of the matter is that we have to encounter these maniac drivers because they…are…here. They are EVERYwhere. Take South Florida, for instance. There, the maniacs have blue hair and drive cars named The Ambassador Royale and Luxuriousaurs which, according to regulations set forth by the American Maniac Association’s Florida division, can be no smaller than your average cruise ship and cannot exceed the speed of your average turtle. But really, the boat-cars aren’t the problem. The real danger is that these maniacs are driving around following their own set of maniac rules! It’s true. Just take a look at this excerpt from the Florida Driver’s Handbook (The Director’s Cut).
[from Section 3.12, subsection V-8]
The following guidelines apply to drivers who place little fuzzy objects on the antenna of their vehicles and/or, have undergone a minimum of ten (10) cataract surgeries in any given two-month time period. Persons meeting this criteria are required by Florida law to:
1. Drive in three lanes at once. To do this, simply swerve your vehicle wildly and randomly into other lanes and/or other vehicles.
2. Never use a turn signal to indicate a turn. Instead, drive past the location of the desired turn and then jerk the steering wheel forcefully, eventually completing the turn and hitting a minimum of two other vehicles in the process. After doing this, engage your turn signal.
3. Only use your turn signal after making a turn, and then leave the signal on for the next thirty minutes or four miles, whatever comes first.
I could go on and on about these maniacs, but hey, at least they’re FOLLOWING a handbook! Drivers in the Northeast? Fuggedaboutit, they don’t have time for such nonsense — they’re too busy exceeding the speed limit and avoiding potholes (a skillful maneuver which looks like Rule #1 and sounds like an episode of The Sopranos). This actually brings us to the real danger of Northeast maniacs: they’re angry – furious, really – and the last thing they need is some silly set of rules telling them what they can and can’t do on the road. They’re going to drive however the hell they want (read: fast enough to make taxi drivers look like wussies) and if you’ve got a problem with that…may God have mercy on your bumper.
Maniac: YOU STOOPID MORON! WHAT THE F%@K’S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY’D YOU FRIGGIN’ STOP?
Rule-abiding sane person: This is a Stop sign.
Maniac: WHAT THE F%@K’S A STOP SIGN?!?!
But wait, we musn't forget our maniac friends on the West Coast. Ah yes, swimming pools, movie stars, and maniacs who will run you off the road, just to show you they’ve got the better movie deal. Actually, maniacs in Southern California are MUCH more passive than their Northeast counterparts. Besides, between talking on two cell phones, typing on a Blackberry, and swerving over four highway lanes at once, who’s got time to be bothered by the little things, like picking a fight or watching the road?
There is, however, good news on the way for the maniacs out West. According to a recent article in The Weekly World Examiner, Southern California residents will soon be required to attend a three-week course on the basic principles of safe driving. Yes, it’s true! Head Maniac, the esteemed Professor Cruise will lecture on topics ranging from effective lane merging to why “road rage” is merely a crutch for people too weak to afford a private jet.
And finally, here's an equally scary thought to ponder: the number of maniacs in this country is increasing every single day — now outnumbering new Starbucks franchises four to one! Come to think of it, the odds are that you (yes, YOU) are a driver’s license-carrying maniac! You’ve probably cut me off, honked because I stopped at a red light, and cursed because I chose not to double the speed limit! Well fine, YOU WIN! From now on, I’ll stay off the roads…if you stay off the sidewalks.
© 2005 robbloom.com.
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