Raise your hand if you’re tired of the growing customer service problem in this country. A HA! Gotcha! Not a single one of you raised your hands. No no, don’t try to do it now! You’ve already proven my point: people have gotten unresponsive.
Now when I say “people” I don’t mean you personally—unless, of course, you were my waiter from last Tuesday night. Remember? You brought me scallops when I ordered chicken and, when I pointed this out, you looked at me like I was pond scum. Not that I’m blaming you. I know how much work it is to, you know, work. And in all fairness, you did eventually bring me the chicken which, I have no doubt, was seasoned with a nice glob of your saliva.
Now don’t get me wrong—there’s a time and place for spitting in a customer’s food. Let’s say, for example, you’re waiting on my ex-girlfriend.
FADE IN.
You bring over the dinner rolls which, of course, aren’t nearly as fresh as they were the last time she ate there. What’s worse, the people at the other table have way more rolls in their basket! But there’s more. The appetizer is a disaster and we won’t even get into the atrocity of the entrée that, despite her strict instructions to cook it with “no oil, butter, salt, cheese, trans fats, or heat,” tastes surprisingly bland.
Now in cases like that, you (and yes, I mean you) are, by law, entitled to hock a nice loogie in the alfredo. Exes aside, I think the real reason for this wacky customer service problem of ours is that customer service folks don’t want anything to do with the customers. Fortunately, they have a good reason: they’re too busy texting. Take for instance the other day when I was in the checkout line of the grocery store (don’t even get me started on the “Express” Lane) and a high school kid (let’s call him Jayden) was bagging my groceries. Actually, Jayden wasn’t so much bagging my groceries as he was tossing two items into the bag (NOTE: milk on top of eggs = not good) and then texting on his phone.
Now I’m not opposed to texting (LOL!) but I do get annoyed when I come home, unpack the bags, and find that two of the items I bought and paid for are somehow missing, which I can’t help but assume wouldn’t have happened if Jayden had been paying more attention to his job and less attention to his texting, but this was not the case so I found myself without chips and dip and, c’mon, for the love of everything decent and holy, how can you possibly throw a WrestleMania party WITHOUT CHIPS AND DIP?!?! THANKS A LOT, JAYDEN!
Now as is the case with any such sensitive matter—whether it be customer service or who was eliminated on last night’s “Dancing with the Stars”—there’s another side to the story. In this case, we go from lazy waiters and distracted supermarket bagboys to the most responsive and alert customer servicers on the planet: car salespeople.
Recently my friends Rick and Leslie engaged in one of the bravest acts known to mankind (just narrowly edging out driving on the New Jersey Turnpike): they bought a new car. As a result, I’m happy to report that, while Rick is still battling cold sweats and a creepy facial tick, he’s no longer waking up in the middle of the night screaming “why do you even bother making the damn sticker if that’s not the price of the car?!?” Of course, these side effects are perfectly normal. The important thing to remember when shopping for a car is that the salespeople are there to help you—which they’ll prove by interrupting you and speaking in exclamation points.
SALESMAN: This one’s a real beaut!
YOU: Yeah, but—
SALESMAN: No buts about it, my friend!
YOU: I’m not sure—
SALESMAN: Sure schmure! What’s it gonna take for you to drive this bad boy right outta here?
YOU: This is my car.
SALESMAN: I’ll throw in a mint deodorizer!
So what’s the solution to this customer service problem? Are we to blame the customer service folks? Are they the guilty ones? If so, should we seek legal counsel? Is it true you’re not fully clean unless you’re Zest-fully clean? How many questions can I write in a row?
Perhaps customers and customer servicers alike need to get over themselves and appreciate the other’s point of view. This can be accomplished very easily through the age-old method of “walking a mile” in the other’s shoes. Of course, this is assuming that a) you wear the same size and b) first you spray the shoes with the stuff they use in bowling alleys. Then again, maybe we customers should be more sensitive and patient towards the people who service us. After all, they have feelings, too. That, and the power to spit in your food.
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