I’m trying to sell a couch. And while I realize this isn’t as easy to do as say, finding a television show where contestants eat raw pig genitalia, it shouldn’t be this difficult. But yet, for the last three months I’ve been trying to sell this couch and for some reason that I’m sure has nothing to do with the stained cushions, torn fabric, or the six inches you immediately sink upon sitting down, nobody’s buying.
The worst part is that I don’t know why the couch hasn’t sold. Clearly, it’s not because of the big metal spring that’s poking through the middle cushion. And it’s definitely not due to the squirrel that somehow managed to sneak into my apartment and make a home for itself in the couch — a minor detail that my wife and I discovered when the mysterious squeaking we’d been hearing for months suddenly stopped and the couch began to smell so funky we couldn’t be within three feet of it without breathing Lamaze-style (“whoo whoo hee hee”).
I’m at a loss here; I honestly don’t know why the couch is still on the market. So maybe now’s a good time to step back, reevaluate the situation and examine all possible factors. Factor One: the item itself. Is this really something people need? Hell yeah! Aside from being a powerful magnet capable of sucking loose change from your pockets, it’s the preferred sleep location for millions of men who get kicked out of their bedrooms after answering their wives’ “does this make me look fat?” question with a dim-witted “not really.”
Moving on to Factor Two: me. Maybe it’s my sales philosophy (Motto: “You touch it, you buy it!”) or my sales pitch (“C’mon, please buy it! PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY please!”) that’s putting people off. Maybe I take a cue from the King of Shameless Selling, Mr. Ron Popeil, and throw in a few flashy incentives to attract buyers.
ME: “Buy this couch in the next five minutes and get two smushed end pillows — and this thick layer of dust — absolutely free!”
Audience claps enthusiastically.
Forget it. I don’t need to pile on the incentives to sell this bad boy — the couch is completely capable of attracting buyers without my having to resort to using sleazy sales tactics (NOTE TO YOU: Buy now and I’ll throw in a bottle of Febreze!). Truth is, I’ve gotten plenty of calls from interested shoppers who saw the couch advertised online.
Wait a minute…THAT’S IT! I know why the couch hasn’t been sold! You see, it has nothing to do with the couch itself, my sales tactics, or silly incentive deals. (ANOTHER NOTE TO YOU: I must be crazy for doing this, but what the hell! I’ll give you TWO bottles of Febreze!)
There’s only one reason the couch hasn’t been sold yet and it’s…THE INTERNET!
“But Rob,” you ask, “what do you have against the Internet? How can you complain about technology that brings so much porn into our lives, while at the same time, taking away so much of our privacy?”
ANSWER: Because the outside world is filled with crazy people and the Internet is their own private pass-key into my world.
The fact is, people are nuts. Not so much Jack Nicholson “The Shining” nuts, but definitely Nicholson “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” nuts. It’s true. And if you have any doubts about this, I suggest YOU try selling a couch on the Internet.
Over the past few months, a startling number of people have come to my apartment to examine the couch. I say ‘startling’ not necessarily because of the volume of people, but more so because it’s startling these people are allowed to roam the streets without a team of large orderlies in tow.
First there was the guy who wanted to spray paint the couch pink (“Do you think that’d be cool?”); then there was the girl with the questions (“If I’m, like, naked on the couch, doing yoga and all, will the cushions leave marks on my butt?”); and let’s not forget the seemingly normal-looking married couple with the bizarre drooling problem.
The best, of course, was the businessman who gave the couch such a thorough exam that I expected him to light a cigarette afterwards. This guy closed his eyes and methodically made his way around the couch, smiling as he ran his hand slowly over the fabric. The exam concluded with him settling into each cushion, moving his butt side to side, and making comments like “Niiiiiice” and “O-kaaaaaay.”
So as you can see, people are nuts. And thanks to the barrier-breaking power of the Internet, I’ve been fortunate enough to welcome many said nutcases into my home. Which reminds me, the couch is still available so feel free to drop by any time. Act now and I’ll throw in a third bottle of Febreze. Operators are standing by!
© 2006 robbloom.com.
Don't
be selfish. Share the laughter. Send this article to a friend!
My humor column will have you laughing until you stop. Enter your e-mail address below to join my mailing list. WARNING: Hijinks may ensue.