The Top Ten Biggest Bastards in WWE history
By Rob Bloom

Throughout the course of its history, the WWE has had more than its fair share of bastards. Now I’m not talking about the type of bastard that gets a charge from beating his opponent senseless with a steel chair; that’s kid stuff. I’m talking real bastards here — the unique breed of bastard who’d not only waffle his own mother with a steel chair, but would also nail her with a flying elbow drop…onto thumbtacks…from the top of a 20 foot Hell in the Cell! Like I said, real bastards.

Here now are the ten biggest:

10. The bastard: Randy “Macho Man” Savage
General bastard-like qualities: He was good, he was bad, he was good, he was bad. Who the hell could keep track? Plus, he treated his manager, the lovely Elizabeth, like garbage. What a bastard!
Random acts of bastardness: Crushed the larynx of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, turned on his best friend and Mega Powers partner Hulk Hogan, released a rap album.
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Slapped Hogan harder. The egomaniacal Hulkster went after Macho’s woman, for Pete’s Sake! Macho should’ve slapped the taste out of Hogan’s mouth.

9. The bastard: Rowdy Roddy Piper
General bastard-like qualities: Loud, obnoxious, played the bagpipes, sported a mullet at different times in his career.
Random acts of bastardness: Bashed a coconut into the skull of “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, shaved the head of midget wrestler The Haiti Kid, smashed a gold record over the head of Capt. Lou Albano.
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Continued his bastard-like ways! In 1987, Piper turned babyface. No longer prone to smashing objects over people’s heads, Piper started cozying up to bastard-bashers like Hogan and the Junkyard Dog. And just like that, the bastard Hot Rod (V.1) was gone forever. Kinda makes you wonder if he was packing anything under that kilt, huh?

8. The bastard: Earthquake
General bastard-like qualities: Bullied smaller wrestlers, had a loudmouth manager, didn’t shave his back.
Random acts of bastardness: Crushed Hulk Hogan’s sternum during a vicious attack on the Brother Love Show, attacked Andre the Giant’s leg with a megaphone, splashing (and killing) Jake Roberts’ snake Damien.
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Another example of a real bastard who turned wuss. Had he not switched sides, ‘Quake would’ve cemented his Bastard Legacy by killing other ringside animals, such as Koko B. Ware’s Frankie and the British Bulldogs’ Matilda.

7. The bastard: Ric Flair
General bastard-like qualities: Wheelin’, dealin’, kiss stealin’, limousine ridin’, jet flyin’ bastard.
Random acts of bastardness: You don’t become the “Dirtiest Player in the Game” by playing nice. During a feud with Randy Savage, Flair claimed to have had an affair with Savage’s wife Liz. Flair even went so far as to doctor (gasp!) photos of he and Liz by the pool, riding horses, and yes, snuggling by the fireplace. Platinum-headed bastard!
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Not cried. In 2002, Flair returned to the WWE and, despite his love handles and man boobs, continued to wrestle. This led to a series of interviews were Flair would express his gratitude to the WWE for giving the chance to perform, blah blah blah, and Flair would start bawling like a baby. C’mon, Naitch! Bastards don’t cry!

6. The bastard: The Iron Sheik
General bastard-like qualities: He’s foreign.
Random acts of bastardness: Spit on the American flag, spit on Hulk Hogan, spit every time he opened his mouth. And don’t forget about those curly-toed shoes!
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Held the WWE title longer. This bastard’s title reign was less than a month — hardly enough time to establish a pattern of doing bastardly things like ducking challengers or getting intentionally disqualified to save the title. Had Sheik been champ longer, his inner bastard would’ve really come out.

5. The bastard: Big Bossman
General bastard-like qualities: Big boy hillbilly from Cobb County, GA (home of fellow bastard Newt Gingrich), beat opponents with nightstick after matches, enormous armpit sweat stains.
Random acts of bastardness: Beat the crap out of Hogan (see a pattern here?) on the Brother Love Show, was a stooge in Mr. McMahon’s Corporation gang, killed and made dinner (literally) out of Al Snow's dog, crashed the funeral of the Big Show’s father by tying the casket to his truck and driving away.
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Tough one. Let’s face it, you gotta be a pretty big bastard to crash a funeral. However, Bossman does have a dent in his bastard armor, which is why he wasn’t ranked higher. In 1993, the Bossman performed (no, that wasn’t a typo) on the horrid Wrestlemania: The Album. Some things are inexcusable. Even for a bastard.

4. The bastard: Sgt. Slaughter
General bastard-like qualities: Huuuuuge chin, gravely voice, called everyone a “maggot.”
Random acts of bastardness: Ignoring his stint as a character on the G.I. Joe cartoon, this bastard had the nerve to turn his back against the United States — during the Gulf War! The bastardly Sarge went so far as to declare war on the WWE and even threw a fireball in Hogan's face. Oh, the humanity!
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Though it’s true that you’re “never too old to become a bastard,” Sarge’s bastard heel turn came a few years too late. By the time he won the WWE title, he was overweight, slow, and limited in the ring. It’s hard to be a convincing bastard when, by the time you walk down the aisle, you’re out of breath.

3. The bastard: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
General bastard-like qualities: Nickname rhymed with first name, porn star moustache, giant snake plastered on tights.
Random acts of bastardness: DDTed Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat on a concrete floor, locked the Ultimate Warrior in room filled with snakes, crashed the wedding reception of Randy Savage and Liz, had a King Cobra munch on Savage’s arm.
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Jake, get the cobra! Watching the cobra gnaw on Savage’s arm was one of the most gruesome acts ever seen on WWE TV at the time. So why stop there? Wouldn’t you have just loved to see the cobra attack jobbers like Tatanka, Marty Jannetty, and of course, WWE President Jack Tunney!

2. The bastard: Triple H
General bastard-like qualities: Cromagnum features, dressed in fur at WrestleMania 22, buries the careers of other wrestlers, a grating voice that’s slightly less irritating than fingernails scraping a chalkboard.
Random acts of bastardness: Turned his back on fellow DX member X-Pac at WrestleMania 15, drugged then married the boss’ daughter Stephanie McMahon (in storyline), beat the crap out of his buddy Shawn Michaels with a sledgehammer, married the boss’ daughter (in real life). Oh, he also had sex with a corpse..
What he could’ve done to be ranked higher: Simple. Upon marrying Steph, he could’ve changed his last name to McMahon.

1. The bastard: Vince McMahon
General bastard-like qualities: The guy’s loaded, freakishly built, walks like he’s got a barbell shoved up his ass, puts himself in pay-per-view main events.
Random acts of bastardness: Crap, where to begin? Vince has a laundry list of being a McBastard, starting with the way he put every other wrestling company out of business. Not enough bastardness for you? Here’s more: he started a bodybuilding league and even hosted a TV show called “Bodystars,” royally blew the two biggest potential money-making feuds in wrestling history (Hogan vs. Flair in 1991, the WCW invasion in 2001), created the characters Saba Simba, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, and Bastion Booger, screwed Bret Hart out of the WWE title, started the "Kiss My Ass" club, released a 2-disc DVD set about himself, shamelessly exploits the handicapped and mentally challenged, and of course, the XFL.
Why he’s the ultimate bastard: Cockiness. To this day, he refuses to admit the XFL was a miserable failure. Vince, you’re a beautiful, beautiful bastard!